And these are some pictures I found today from when I was 17.
Do you guys SEE me in those pictures?? The second ones? I was so skinny! And workin’ the camera! I still had my signature curves, but only where I wanted them. Sure I had absolutely no idea how to dress, but I was 17, and into 80s rock and roll, so I’ll give myself grace there. I was a slender little thing!-- and as far as I remember, never gave a second thought to numbers on a scale. It was motivating for me to see those pictures because I know that’s what my body is capable of looking like when it’s healthy and taken care of. College stress and an ongoing struggle with my thyroid have tacked on some pounds, and it’s hard not to let that mess with a girl’s confidence sometimes. Nowadays, I find myself patting my food baby in the mirror n with a semi-regretful sigh after dinner, or positioning myself in so that my arms will look okay when I’m having my picture taken. That’s no fun. I remember a time when that was a non-issue. I (clearly) wore whatever I wanted, had more energy, and looked a lot better.
I’m not saying that I’m fat or something, or that my weight is some primary thing I focus on. I still think of myself as a beautiful, fun, sexy woman. I have an incredible fiancé who loves me more than I deserve, and who tells me every day that I am the most beautiful woman in the world. I don’t ever feel unlovely when he looks at me. Every girl should have that. He sees my body, but he also sees who I actually am as a person. I get so sad when I see girls measuring their worth via external beauty. Ironically, that’s a pretty ugly, self-sabotaging way to live. Girls get caught up in this thing were they constantly compare their beauty to all other girls, and make value judgments based on that. Living that way can either lead to pride or jealousy: pride because you think you’re prettier, or jealousy because you think she is. Isn’t that disgusting? How you just missed out on experiencing your own beauty and the beauty of that other person? Geez.
Ladies, this one’s for free: I think we should all really put more mental and emotional emphasis into the loveliness of our souls than we do. If we cared half as much about being kind and compassionate as we did being sexy, this world would rock. Also, be interesting. Value your own intellect, ability to have conversation, make people laugh, sing, read, whatever. It’s like Mindy Kailing says: “I’d much rather have someone call me chubby than say I was unfunny or stupid.” A smile is the most beautiful thing a woman can wear. I honestly believe that.
Now that I have all of that clarified, I feel better about discussing my weight loss/fitness goals. I am hopeful to be disciplined. It’s hard to exert self-control and not eat everything I want. That’s kind of pitiful when I actually write it out, but it’s true. There’s no reason that I need or deserve to eat as poorly or as much as I do. I hope that as I develop a new healthier mindset I also develop appreciation for what I am eating, and don’t have to gorge myself beyond the point of full to enjoy my food. A small portion is enough, and it’s worth savoring. It’s time to kick my gratitude into shape.
Also, I don’t know if you know this, but I am a sick person. Not like I’m a serial killer or a weirdo, like, I am a medicated, puke-prone, ailment-having person. I get sick easily and for long periods of time. That thing I mentioned before with the thyroid can be a real nightmare, and so can stomach issues. I owe to this body to not be sedentary, lazy, or careless. It deserves at least that.
Oh yeah, and theres this other bit of modivation... the wedding. Of course I wanna look as amazing as possible on my wedding day, every girl does. I'll be a bride for the rest of my life, but this is my one and only day to do the whole celebretory schabang, so I am gonna do it right.
Lastly and probably most importantly. I think I have a spiritual responsibility to be conscious of my health. I really do believe that my body is not just my own—it’s a dwelling place for the spirit of God, given to me on loan until death lets me escape it. It’s also the co-property of Jake the day we say “I do.” I believe marriage is an unbreakable covenant of mind soul and body—and that God will spiritually make us one flesh. Practically, that means that taking care of my body’s appearance and health is a duty and gift of love to my husband. I have a feeling he wants me around for a while.
So, here I go, amateurly attempting to diet, exercise, and get fit. Hopefully this blog will help inspire and keep me on track. I’m jumpin in the deep end, guns a blazin. (mixing metaphors, I know. It’s okay)
Love,
Steph
“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”
Proverbs 31:30
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